Exciting news from the Physics Department

Goodness...the Professor just had to get off politics and economics today because the campus is all abuzz about the Physics Department. It seems they have discovered new sub-atomic particles which could hold some of the answers about the very nature of the universe.

Now, I'm no physicist, so I'll put this exciting news in layman's terms.

As you probably know, molecules consisting of protons and neutrons were once considered the very building blocks of nature, but then scientists began to discover smaller, sub-atomic, particles. The newest, smallest, and most dense of all of these were recently discovered by physicists in California.

They were named "morons" and were not only discovered, but found to be plentiful in the natural world. At our University, physicists have just found and named a new element consisting mostly of morons. It has been named Obermannium, and is the most dense element yet known to man.

Findings at our school's particle accelerator tell us that morons, unlike neutrons or protons which are evenly distributed through all matter, seem to be geographically clustered. For example, the Berkely area of California seems to have an extremely high clustering of morons. More areas of clustering seem to exist around major metropolitan areas, such as Detroit and Boston, but also seem to be common near coastal areas.

Scientists have also decided on a new measure of density, as Obermannium is so much more dense than other matter, which they have simply named the Obermann. The density of a cluster of morons can be labeled using the new term. For example; a large cluster might weigh a killaobermann while a small cluster might be a decaobermann.

Discovery of the moron has also led to the discovery of a rare mineral that appears in very trace amounts. It has been named Oprahzite and seems to attract morons. Oprahzite is unique in its ability to change its mass and weight on a regular basis...growing larger, then smaller, in succession.

Physicists are extremelely excited by the initial disovery of the moron, and be the continued findings to which they have been led by studying this sub-atomic particle. They don't know where this research may take them, but they do know that understanding morons, and that morons exist and always will, should help in understanding the world around us and how it functions.

Glad I could help in my own small way...
The Professor