Global Warming Alert...Planetary Emergency Redefined

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This headline news flash from the Al Gore network just in:

"GLOBAL WARMING DOES NOT MEAN THE EARTH IS BECOMING WARMER"

Yes my friends...Al Gore, due to public opinion polls indicating fewer than one quarter of the American voters now feel Global Warming is even an issue, has redefined the argument to more closely match the mood of the people.

We refer to this as "dancing around the truth." But who are we to criticize? After all we're not "climate experts" like Al.

The record breaking cold spells of this winter likely haven't helped his public relations efforts, and even some mainstream media pundits have been critical of his past prognostications.

In response, Al has begun to clear up our confusion by explaining that Global Warming doesn't necessarily mean the globe is warming. He has dropped the Global Warming label in favor of the Climate Change label...a preemptive public relations strike...and is now reaching a new level of confusing rhetoric.

It isn't so much warming we have to worry about, he states, the main issue is that weather will become "chaotic."

HUH?

Oh my God! This means the weather of our childhoods, when it was 72 degrees every day, with a light wind out of the south, and every night about 2 AM there would be half an hour of light rain (so we wouldn't have to water our lawns) is now a thing of the past.

Weather will now be "chaotic"; meaning completely out of control...and different every day. Experts predict we can now expect a number of new and devastating phenomenon to occur. One of these will frequently come about in the vicinity of the equator and will be called either hurricanes or typhoons. These devastating "storms", a general term invented to put a label on new chaotic weather patterns, will be birthed over the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans and make their way towards land.

They will hit land with high winds, waves, and something called "heavy rains" resulting in damage to homes and buildings and possible "flooding" (a new term meaning an excess of natural water from rainfall).

As if that's not bad enough; the American mid-west will be officially referred to as "Tornado Alley" in order to emphasize to residents the seriousness of another predicted phenomenon which will be called a "tornado." This is a unique, and brand new type of "storm" capable of striking quickly and without warning and destroying homes and property...focusing on trailer parks specifically...and the people in "Tornado Alley" must be prepared.

Gore is advising the construction of "tornado shelters" or "storm cellars" where residents may flee and feel somewhat safe from the chaos above. The invention of the "storm cellar" may well be remembered as one of Gore's greatest contributions to society, along with his invention of the internet.

In other areas we may well experience the "heavy rain" attacks which will cause the aforementioned "flooding". Experts predict these "floods" may become an annual occurrence in low-lying areas they are now referring to as "flood plains." The devastating results of these "floods" will include hours of incredibly predictable television news coverage by reporters in yellow rain-slickers.

On the flip-side...regions of the globe may experience too little rainfall, resulting in an effect which will be labeled "drought" followed by "famine"...for some unexplained reason this will be particularly notable in regions ruled by tin-pot dictators and other socialist types.

The only way we can circumvent this coming devastation is to give all of our money, what we have left that is, to Al Gore, in the form of "carbon credits" and to the US government, in the form of "energy" taxes. These two actions should halt the evils of capitalism and bring to an end the terrors of abundant food, shelter, clothing, and other material goods. The weather will again be brought under control of our all-seeing and ever-wise bureaucrats in Washington DC (bless them all...for they will save us).

So be prepared America! Chaos is coming...and with it a burgeoning industry in "weather forecasting", thermometers, barometers, batteries, canned food, candles, Coleman stoves, and rain-gear (clothing to protect one from the new chaos). May God be with us...

The Professor (from his "storm cellar")